The Depth of Fearing Death
Get it..? Depth, death..? Okay, so maybe I don’t have a future career as a comedian.
If you’re anything like me, Death has completely taken over your life. Yes i capitalize Death because if I’m being honest my mind has obsessed on that word so much, I've convinced myself it’s its own identity… Much like a boyfriends insanely hot ex-girlfriend that you may or may not stalk on instagram every 6–7 days.
Regardless, death has taken over my already over-crowded, one-bedroom apartment. I have quit my job with rent due in exactly 6 days, 7 hours, and 22 minutes — And now i sit here with more financial problems building by the day, an overwhelming feeling of existential dread, but none of it matters because i have sloths on my fuzzy pajama pants and a cup of coffee and im ready to conquer the world!! As long as I don’t have to leave my living room..
The only comfort I have is knowing, I’m not the only one. The sleepless nights wondering when you’ll be next inline to… whatever’s out there, the thought alone of what exactly is out there, and the dread of birthday milestones. I can’t be the only one using my age as a fraction.. 20 is just a cool way of saying 1/4 of my life is gone and what exactly do i have to show for it?
You look everywhere for an answer, some type of clarity that whatever is out there, isn’t the scariest thing you’ve ever heard of in your life. Just to be told by a guy with a receding hairline and a doctorate, that you have anxiety. Which raises the question.. am i the only one?
Maybe I’m the only one with scabs on her scalp trying to scratch the stress away, or a cat that’s been around me for so long that she herself has become scared of the entire world and all it has to offer; But i refuse to believe that everybody doesn’t have at least a little bit of fear when thinking about our fate.
Trust Me, There’s a ‘But’ To This
After trying to wrap my head around not having control of what’s going to happen to me and everyone i love one day, i finally found the solution. Humor. Where there’s humor, there’s coping (specifically irony). The irony of it all was by fearing death, i stopped living. Now I know what you’re thinking: “..Emily you’re going to win a Nobel Prize for that solid, totally original thought.” and my answer to that is… shut up.
Truly, I’ve canceled every plan made with friends out of fear (some were while we were already in the middle of plans!). I stopped enjoying the little things i once found so fullfilling. I only watch daytime television and old kid shows i grew up on because my anxious little brain can’t handle any heavier of a conversation without feeling like it’s going to explode. I was.. scratch that, I am tiptoeing around my own existence.
The Solution..?
They say the hardest part is identifying the problem.. Which from 12 years of math classes, i can confidently say: not true at all. Identifying my problem added more stress onto me. I began watching myself everyday, continuing these bad habits. I was trying to break free from a bubble that, some point along the way, became a very solid wall.
So instead I decided to come to terms. I won’t have a solution tomorrow morning. I’m not going to suddenly by okay with losing control or not having a set in stone plan, just because I came to some realization while pillow-talking with my boyfriend who doesn’t have an anxious bone in his body. Tomorrow the only accomplishment i have might be stepping onto my back porch. Maybe i wont even comfortably do that until next week.
I wish I could tell you this is my story of fighting fears and becoming my true ‘girlboss’ form, but I’m still in the same sloth pajama pants. What I can say is I’m coping. I can write this and add jokes without my heart skipping a beat. For me, that’s a huge step and just because one person has a similar story that ends with her skydiving, doesn’t make my story any less relevant.
I’m not sure if i went into this wanting to leave someone with a piece of advice but in case i did: Life is terrifying. It’s okay that while everyone else is posting their brunch selfies on Instagram, You’re finally getting out of bed for the first time in days. Be proud of yourself and conquer the world! (even if its from your living room)